How we doing folks, long time no talk. I’ve been quietly watching from the shadows as the Rangers make the push toward the finish line and plan on saying more later tonight post-game (tone pending the outcome) but that’s not why we’re here today. Today my friends is one of the best days of the year, MLB Opening Day.

Now, I’m not nearly as much of a baseball guy as my partner in crime Pasq is. I’m a Yankee fan by blood but will gladly root for and support the Mets, I am also a sucker for the history of the game. My one time in Cooperstown I was a kid in a candy store, if you haven’t been up there I highly suggest the trip. I’ll tell you very much what I am though, and that’s a hot dog guy, and guess what you can’t do baseball without.

Ballpark food has certainly come a long way over the years. I’m not sure if Pasq has done a Citi Field Concessions preview yet, but I saw some pics and vids from their press event and things are getting nuts. Donut burgers, over-the-top shakes, even the famed Pat Lafrieda steak sandwich (Lobels at Yankee stadium is better, but given the nature of the site I will not choose sides), we’re a long ways away from dirty water dogs and peanuts. That being said, every single time I’m ever in a ballpark no matter the level of play, or even just a sporting event in general for that matter, I make sure I wolf at least 1 glizzy more often than not the number is higher. I’ve even started a tradition (is it a tradition if you’ve only done it twice? Gotta start somewhere) to eat hot dogs for lunch on Opening Day every year, sparking the inspo for this blog.

Hot Dogs, Glizzys, Tubesteak, Death Sticks, whatever you want to call them, they fucking rock. I’ve been eating these steadily just about my entire life. Growing up as a picky eater and having a father who wasn’t exactly the most culinary-sound person in the room, I found myself eating these bad boys more nights than I care to admit which is probably why I fetishize such a (not a word I use but some choose to) gross food. They’re wicked easy to eat too.

I met Pasq at drill team racing, a sport that very much goes hand and hand with grilling. At these events, each team would have a camp where a grill was set up to make food for the day, and at these events, I’d easily put back 6-10 depending on how we were feeling without even blinking and was able to earn the nickname “Glizzy Mcguire” (these events are typically 4-8 hours long, I’m not a monster but was a much larger fella back then, regardless we don’t fat shame). Even today they remain a quick and easy bite for me and I can eat 3 in a sitting like it’s nothing. Something I really want to try this year is the 9x9x9 challenge: 9 innings, 9 dogs, 9 beers. I think its insanely doable, but I also think I can roll into the Fourth of July contest and rip off ~30 in 12 minutes so I might not be the most realistic when it comes to my eating capabilities.

I will absolutely say this though, not all glizzys are created equal and if you can’t distinguish what makes a good dog I’m sorry to say this but you’re an uncultured swine.

As far as brands go, there is the big 3: Sabrett, Nathans, and Hebrew National coming in at a distant 3rd. No shade to HN, they just weren’t in the rotation as regularly as the other 2 so it dings them a bit but they were often the brand many sporting venues used. Now you might be saying, “Jerry, didn’t you move to Connecticut recently? Those brands are awfully NY of you, where are the Hummels and Kayems???” You, my friend, will be absolutely correct, and while both of those brands are perfectly serviceable, the good people of New England prefer a pork/beef mix over an all-beef dog for reasons I do not know, and to me, that’s just not the vibe. If you hit a parlay to come into some extra cash or want to impress the company you’re hosting there was only one dog to put on the grill, and that my friends is Boar’s Head Natural Casing. You know the one. This wasn’t your every day hot dog as much as you wanted it to be, but to be honest with you it was probably better that way. Boar’s Head Natural Casing is the Fillet Mignon of glizzys (Fillet Mignons are overrated and I will die on that hill, why pay significantly more for significantly less? Oh its lean? Fat = Flavor you narc) and as goated as dogs on the grill are (we will get there very shortly) they’re best served boiled for that SNAP.

While the Big 3 shine in just about every single grocery store in the tri-state area, there are 2 players in people’s regular rotation that you can call the Jacoby Ellsbury of hot dogs. These are Ball Parks, and Oscar Meyer. Now listen, the Weiner Mobile is sweet and that jingle is catchy as hell, but those dogs to me at least are inedible. A product of the past and a food that should’ve stayed in yester-year like meatloaf or green bean casserole. Ball Parks on the other hand I have a personal vendetta against. Growing up they were endorse by sir airness Michael Jordan and you had to think anything good enough for the jump man would be good enough for me, they even plump when you cook em!!!! I just wanted to be like Mike it turned into a quick nope. It turns out celebrities don’t always endorse the absolute best product they can (CC the hole in my hanes undies right now). Do yourself a favor and try to stay away from these brands, they’ll kill the vibe at your cookout. People will still be respectful and eat them for sure, but its more so for sustenance to make sure they don’t black out over enjoyment. And we don’t income shame at Sunny Days, if that’s all you can afford or they were on sale or whatever fine so be it, but take it from Glizzy Mcguire himself no one is going to enjoy themselves.

Now as far as preparation goes you can never go wrong unless you microwave them and even then if you’re in a pinch and don’t have any other options you gotta do what you gotta do (shout out the Space Master 3000). Nothing will ever beat grilled dogs, but I am here to say do not sleep on boiling. Dirty water dogs obviously come to mind cause its the mass norm, but if you’re sitting at home and you get a craving for glizzys while the grill is away for the season boil up some water and throw those bad boys in. Get nuts and mix beer into the water as well as sauerkraut and you my friend will have yourself a night. The lady friend got me a hot dog steamer as a gag gift for Christmas cause as I mentioned I am the glizzy king but the jokes on her cause I use that shit all the time (and by all the time I mean probably ~5 times). I’ve also discovered a very new school way to make some crispy boys and that’s the air fryer, if you haven’t air-fried glizzys you gotta do it yesterday. 400 degrees, 5 minutes, rotate at 2 minutes and then for the last minute take them out and put them in your buns, un-be-leev-able. Like I said, you can’t really go wrong with preparation, just please under no circumstance raw-dog them and eat them out of the package. One of my college roommates did this cause he was hungry and didn’t want to wait for the grill to heat up and I no joke puked on the spot. Did learn something interesting that day though and that’s that hot dogs are technically packaged and cooked, #TheMoreYouKnow

I’ll leave you with my personal top 5 hot dogs of all time (1 being the 5th, 5 being the top dog cause idk how to edit that and I’m already behind schedule)

1. NYC Street Dog after a long day walking and doing tourist stuff in Manhattan
2. Tailgate dog at any event
3. Little League Snack Shack Hot Dog (shout out Nuzzi Field)
4. A brick and mortar Nathan’s hot dog (preferably Coney Island but any works they all slap, best fries in the game too)
5. Boardy Barn Hot Dogs (allegedly the barn is opening back up and I hope I get to write more about that at a later date. The barn is another place you (I) can do NUMBERS. I believe my record was the year before I lost all the weight at 14 in a day, they were also only a dollar)

So with that being said, take it easy enjoy the baseball games today and LETS GO RANGERS (and Yanks and Mets). Glizzy McGuire out.